You think you have the answers

I have spent a great amount of time lately being told things like "If you are grateful for the things you have then you will be happy" or "What reasons do you really have to be so unhappy" or "I would trade places with you in a second". It is funny how people always say things like that, they know that is is impossible to trade places with me, therefore they feel justified in patronising me with that ridiculous statement.

I am not asking them "Why aren't I happy?", matter of fact I don't actually remember asking for there opinion on anything, cause no matter the situation I could never possibly be as worse off as them. I have given up asking for help, what is the point? I am never told anything constructive, only that things could be worse. I realise that that statement is true things could be worse, even when asked I can never fully describe why I am so unhappy, I just am.

Having a beer for you!

I attended a funeral today for a great man, although he did not get taken from this earth at a very young age, I really feel the earth is missing something great by not having him around.

I will always hold close the fond memories I have of wonderful conversation, and beer consumption. I will be having a drink for you tonight!

A fine line

I have spent today wondering, is it possible to both love and hate your friends all at the same time? I have come to the conclusion that the answer to this puzzling question is yes! I know how wrong it is to admit it, but yes at times my friends can be deplorable.

I honestly don’t think they realise how badly they behave at times, or maybe I have become overly sensitive, I am not really sure! I think the problem really lies in the fact that I have let them behave in a certain manor for so long that is has just become second nature for me to accept it. From tomorrow onwards I will no longer be accepting their self-absorbed attitudes, no longer will I allow myself to be used for the cause of the greater good, I will not make myself available at all hours for things that are not really important!

I also acknowledge that this is not a one sided problem, I myself can be very difficult to deal with at times. Most of these difficult times have been due to recent issues that have developed in my life. It just seems as though when it comes time for people to help me all their resources have been depleted.

I hope I have the courage to stand true to these convictions, I know once I start to change these things I may lose some closeness with some people and that saddens me. It has come to a point though where I must start putting myself first; making sure my life is put together, I fear if I don’t I will reach a point I am not coming back from.

The times, they are a changing!

I have one suggestion for anybody reading this who is trying to escape from the crazy world they have built for themselves. Do not spend the day with someone who is fifteen years your junior and more in touch with reality than you are.

I started out my day hoping that spending some time with my niece would be just the change I needed, but I have ended the day with far more anxiety than I had to begin with. Never had I realised before that fifteen years had become such a big gap, I was still under the assumption that I understood and spoke the language of youth fluently.

Whilst we were in the shopping centre my niece came across some of her friends from school, I listened as they spoke, hearing words I never knew existed, combinations of words that should have not been conjoined, gestures I did not understand and excessive use of the word 'like'. All of a sudden I found myself trying to communicate in the same manner, after about two minutes it hit me. I have become my Mother, here I was using current slang in what I imagine was the totally wrong context, all in a desperate attempt to sound cool and seem young.

I am a month away from my twenty-fifth birthday, does this process of becoming my Mother really begin now? Does the next generation of identity really begin at ten? I remember it happening at maybe sixteen or seventeen, did I begin this process later than most or is it just all happening earlier now? All I knew was that I had to stop talking and plan my escape or I faced the prospect of being mocked by ten year olds!

As the day progressed things did not improve! My niece offered me one of the breath mints she had, once I had placed it in my mouth I mentioned that it tasted like licking the adhesive section of an envelope. She looked up at me with confusion and asked, "Why would you lick an envelope?" I then muttered a statement that made me feel more like her Grandmother than her Aunt. "Back when I was your age envelopes and stamps were not self-adhesive, you had to lick them first before they stuck" I then realised the situation gets worse, not only would she never have to lick an envelope or a stamp, but both were pretty much obsolete to her generation. In a world of e-mail and IM what need would she ever have for either?

Tonight I am feeling as though twenty-five has become the new old! I am filled with shame to admit that I think I have created a new ritual to add to my ever-growing compulsion list.

The search for signs of age ritual was a two-hour process, which has ended with hair dye being added to my shopping list.

Frozen Raines

An open letter:

As time goes by the hatred that I feel towards myself grows, I know you thought I was strong enough but I am not! I wish I could be strong enough but I don't know how. If only the pain could melt away somehow, but I know it can't because I won't let it, I need it there as a reminder to never get hurt like this again. I also know that this is not a way in which I can live, or even function for that matter, it is all just too overwhelming. I wish that you could understand or even try to understand that this is all just to hard. I know within my heart of hearts you would be better off if I just left, if only I had the strength to go! I think about it all the time, it is bordering on being obsessive, but it just seems to be one more thing I don't have the strength to do.

Don't think this letter is just aimed at you; it is really aimed at so many people who have each DESTROYED parts of me through out the course of my life, but your actions have just pushed me further over the edge this time round. The thing that makes this even sadder is that I don't hate any of you, I don't even have the strength for that.

I have sunk to a low I have never felt before, and I don't want to tell any of you personally because every time that I can't be as happy as you want me to be you all leave me to fend for myself, and right now I don't think I could cope. I try so hard to be happy and to make others happy, to hide the fact that I am truly miserable. I feel like it is just making my soul ache having to hide my true self from all of you. I have to try and shut these feelings off each day so that I can cope, but then when it comes time to sleep, it is so hard, all these feelings running thru my head that I cannot escape. I feel so loney even when your laying right next to me. I get so scared trying to think of things to make me forget, to block out the countless emotions and feelings running thru my head, but with each endless glace at the ceiling they just intensify.

I want to tell you that you should be the one to leave, but more of me wants you to stay, how can I want that after what you have done, after what you have put me thru. I feel as though I am betraying myself, betraying my heart and leaving it wide open to be hurt again. But you are the one thing I cannot turn my back on, I could turn my back on myself before I could ever turn it on you.

If it was me who was to leave, would you even care? Part of you would probably care thru guilt, but that is not really caring about me is it? Maybe death will bring upon the freedom I have been looking for, a way to not feel this pain or fear anymore. I sometimes think that if I am gone I will become one of the controllers watching this game, making the moves instead of having to play it. As sadistic as it sounds I for once want to be the one who inflicts the pain!