Frozen Raines

An open letter:

As time goes by the hatred that I feel towards myself grows, I know you thought I was strong enough but I am not! I wish I could be strong enough but I don't know how. If only the pain could melt away somehow, but I know it can't because I won't let it, I need it there as a reminder to never get hurt like this again. I also know that this is not a way in which I can live, or even function for that matter, it is all just too overwhelming. I wish that you could understand or even try to understand that this is all just to hard. I know within my heart of hearts you would be better off if I just left, if only I had the strength to go! I think about it all the time, it is bordering on being obsessive, but it just seems to be one more thing I don't have the strength to do.

Don't think this letter is just aimed at you; it is really aimed at so many people who have each DESTROYED parts of me through out the course of my life, but your actions have just pushed me further over the edge this time round. The thing that makes this even sadder is that I don't hate any of you, I don't even have the strength for that.

I have sunk to a low I have never felt before, and I don't want to tell any of you personally because every time that I can't be as happy as you want me to be you all leave me to fend for myself, and right now I don't think I could cope. I try so hard to be happy and to make others happy, to hide the fact that I am truly miserable. I feel like it is just making my soul ache having to hide my true self from all of you. I have to try and shut these feelings off each day so that I can cope, but then when it comes time to sleep, it is so hard, all these feelings running thru my head that I cannot escape. I feel so loney even when your laying right next to me. I get so scared trying to think of things to make me forget, to block out the countless emotions and feelings running thru my head, but with each endless glace at the ceiling they just intensify.

I want to tell you that you should be the one to leave, but more of me wants you to stay, how can I want that after what you have done, after what you have put me thru. I feel as though I am betraying myself, betraying my heart and leaving it wide open to be hurt again. But you are the one thing I cannot turn my back on, I could turn my back on myself before I could ever turn it on you.

If it was me who was to leave, would you even care? Part of you would probably care thru guilt, but that is not really caring about me is it? Maybe death will bring upon the freedom I have been looking for, a way to not feel this pain or fear anymore. I sometimes think that if I am gone I will become one of the controllers watching this game, making the moves instead of having to play it. As sadistic as it sounds I for once want to be the one who inflicts the pain!